Letter to the President-elect

Just when you have gone to all the effort to put your "X" in the little box, here comes another election. Fortunately, we don't have to vote this time, as it is the American presidential election. Unfortunately, however, even though we don't get to vote, whatever the outcome is by late tonight will definitely affect us for the next few years, depending on various White House decisions at an international level.

I can't vote there but I can write here, so I want to take a slightly different approach in this week's column, namely, an open letter to today's "winner." I put winner in those levitated double commas (ah yes, quotation marks) because I really wonder who would want to be the president of the USA during these chaotic times. And I trust you remain the USA and don't become the DSA (Divided States of America). So, here goes nothing. Or something.

Dear Mr. President-elect:

Congratulations on your victory. I trust the volume of money, hours, and energy that you poured into this campaign was worth the blood, sweat, and tears. If my math is correct, I understand that you raised and spent more money personally than the annual operating budget of many Third World countries.

Please be a nice boy now and don't insult everyone and everything that gets in your way, like you did for the past two years. If my kids talked that way to anyone, at any time, they would be sent to the doghouse, not to the White House.

By the way, I have a few suggestions how to run your country. I don't know much about running a country of 330 million people (not counting the illegals), but there are some principles that I have learned from running a home of eleven.

1. Stop spending money that you don't have. We are facing serious, serious financial issues because of wanton, careless spending habits. As a family man, if I did that, I would have been bankrupt years ago. In fact, look over at the thousands of citizens in your country who are facing just that. They are microcosms of the government, so be careful.

2. Speaking of money, when you throw money at (or is it throw money away?) those banana republics, those dictatorships, and other fledgling democracies, make sure there is some accountability - especially in the areas of law, education, and health. If I were to throw my money away to any one of my kids, I would like to know what it is being spent on, how useful the purchase will be, and so on. Anything less would be irresponsible on my part.

3. Deal with the problem of people entering your country, be they so-called illegals (coming in to work) or visitors (coming in to shop). I am tired of the grilling I get when I cross the border, with the patrol treating me like I am a neo-terrorist. Mr. President-elect, I can't even even spell al-Quieda. Al Kydah? Elk Hide-a? I come into your country to visit or to spend money. That helps your economy. Don't make it a burden for me to enter.

4. Please leave our natural resources alone. And I am speaking specifically about crude oil and fresh water. I know you have lots and lots of oil reserves both in the land and in the sea. I'm sure you have as many dead dinosaurs as we do. And as for water, go jump in your own lakes.

5. One final note: Could we have some of our hockey teams back? I am thinking of the hockey "hotbeds" of Phoenix, Tampa Bay, and Anaheim. (not). I can see it now: Saskatoon Coyotes, Hamilton Lightning, Halifax Ducks.

That's it for now. I hope my advice helps you get off to a good start. Call me anytime. You'll likely find me trying to make sure my own home is in order. Not a bad thing to be doing in these tough times.