A lot of things change in the course of thirty-one years—some good, some not-so-good; some planned, some spontaneous. Thirty-one years ago today, I walked down the aisle and made a commitment for life—a fancy-pancy way of saying it's my 31st anniversary today.
Okay, I exaggerate a little: It wasn't an aisle, it was her folks' back yard, somewhere between the two maples trees, next to the rockery, just south of the chicken house.
Over three decades ago, I was fairly self-centred, naive, had a bit of a temper, and was really touchy, especially about my weight challenges and non-athletic skills. Unfortunately, some things just never change, even the crummy personality issues.
Marriage is not for the fainthearted. We have been duped into thinking that it will be all sunshine and milkshakes, all joy and glistening teeth, a life without trials, failures, and heartaches. That's the tripe we're fed from Hollywood and Harlequin books, and, sorry to say, even fairy tale books that we read to our children.
That beautiful babe and that handsome hunk—if one is “fortunate” to meet and marry one—will not last forever. No matter how many pills or how much sleep, what sort of skin cream and what sort of exercise regimen, the aging process kicks in. (Maurice, that would make you a year older than last year, but maybe not a year better.)
Life's externals, a very false measurement of satisfaction, are not the only things that impact the marriage. Children, employment, finances, neighbours and relatives, and housing are a few of the other factors that will affect our marriages for good or for ill.
Every officiant should spend hours in pre-marital (not pre-martial, please) counselling. It is their moral duty; it should be their legal duty, too. Too many couples have walzed into the marriage with so little understanding—I guess we would call that “pre-knowledge” for their lack of experience--that it's little wonder so many marriages crumble and fall apart within ten years.
So many couples spend more time prepping for the ceremony and the honeymoon than they do for the marriage itself. Not good.
There are alternatives, and I am thinking specifically of those that mimic the real thing. “Shacking up” on a temporary or long-term basis are two of them. Perhaps I'll comment some other time on those options.
There have been arguments thrown in my face over the years about the piece of paper that is signed at the wedding ceremony (as in “it's only a piece of paper”). To be sure, if the only difference between this husband and wife and that husband and wife is a mere slip of paper, I agree. But part and parcel of the whole concept of a wedding ceremony involves the public declaration of wholesome, committed love for one another, a public vow to that effect, in front of the myriad witnesses, and the general motivation to be genuinely dedicated to one another for life.
Things happen (go back about four paragraphs, so I don't have to repeat myself) that will rock the very foundation of even the most committed couple. Sometimes, believe it or not, they just simply lose interest in each other; other attractions pop up, and that could include another potential mate, but it could be other hobbies or habits, even career demands.
The word out there is that more and more couples are divorcing after the kids have left home, after they have been married for thirty years or more. However, today's column is about marriage, not divorce.
So, thirty-one years ago, I was a mailman in North Burnaby, a diehard British Columbian, a city slicker, someone committed to public education, and prepared to have only a couple of kids. Never in my wildest dreams (and I have lots of those) did I ever imagine that I would be and do and have what I represent now.
I had far more answers about marriage and kids back then—or at least I thought I did! Now, I probably have more, but “maturity” has allowed me to shut up about them—unless I get asked. Even then, I rarely opine on something as profound as marriage. However, seeing that you asked, if I were to pass along any advice about some sort of success in marriage, it would not include money, sex, or status.
No, I would humbly say it is—drum roll, please-- “compromise.” That would be compromise, as in C-O-M-P-R-O-M-I-S-E. That has a nasty association with it, so let me re-work it for you: Learn to give here and take there. It may not exciting or exhilarating, but it will help your marriage stand the test of time.
And we all know that we need marriages today, more than ever, to hang in there.
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