Foremost on my Mind: Name It and Claim It

One of the things I would give even more serious consideration to, if I were starting a family over again, would be the naming of my children. I like the names my wife and I gave our kids, and I think they do, too. We gave them three each, and of the 27, only one is a traditional, family name: One of my second son's middle names is that of my father, who had just passed away weeks before his birth. (That actually worked out well, as my father-in-law bears the same name.)

My eccentric idea would be to name the children after geographical spots in British Columbia or Alberta—be they lakes, rivers, or towns. I would do it in a tasteful way, as I don't think Stony Plain Funston or Spruce Grove Funston would fly. However, Camrose Funston or Bentley Funston sounds kind of cool.

The same could be said for the other side of the Rockies: Not sure if Salmon Arm Funston or Deep Cove Funston would be a hit with the kids, but I think Chetwynd Funston or Nelson Funston would.

Then there are the the nicknames: Vanderhoof could become Hoofy, Revelstoke to Revey. What's a nickname for Vauxhall—Vauxy? Vulcan—Vully?

(It's okay, Maurice, I am getting to my point.)

There are a host of Biblical names that I would like, too, but such monikers would become proverbial albatrosses, if said child didn't embrace the faith of his or her namesake. Same could be said for historical names. What would happen if, say, I produced a Winston Funston, but he ended up being more like Adolf? Reagan Funston, but she ended up being more like a Clinton?

Touchy, tasteless, and tormented, indeed.

So far as I know, I am not in the baby-naming business anymore. I just name cows, that's all. But if I were--that is, if someone like you asked me for suggestions--I would have a short list of names not to have. You may think of others may as you read this.

For the sake of the your children, especially the boys, don't name your kids any of the following: Gary, Bill, Donald, or Steve. Just for the record, these are the guys that bring you NHL hockey—or, in today's context, appeared to try to not bring you NHL hockey.

And for the sake of your children of the girl type, stay away from the following: Gaga, Madonna, Alison, or Sandy. The first two are fairly obvious (= questionable role models), and the next one is suggested only because of my personal right-of-centre leanings. (That's too bad, as I like the name personally, and have a cousin by that same.) As for Sandy, well, hurricanes and devastation, anyone?

As you know, I am not called by my first name, for which I thank the stars up above, Statistics Canada, and my parents—hey, wait, they're the ones who gave me the name!--and I like the name Craig, thank you very much.

It's my last name that gives me fits, and I have been called any number of things—Funkston, Fungston, Fungus—but my most common first name has never been messed up. Let's keep it that way, please.

But please, don't you ever call me Craigy-Baby.