One of the advantages, even pleasures, of a growing extended family is the widening circles of relationships, experiences, and support, for the privilege of having sons-in-law and their families. I would even throw free accommodation in there as part of the package.
Both of my daughters have very industrious mothers-in-law. I'm thinking of one of them in particular. We'll call her Karen. She took on the role of motherhood with gusto, walking away from a full-time teaching position to raise a family. Over the course of only a few years, she and her husband, we'll call him Evan, had eight children—seven boys, one daughter.
Evan and Karen loved their kids, and of the eight, two (2) had Down syndrome. Among other skills, the rest became extremely gifted musicians and vocalists. In fact, the first four sons perform as barbershop quartet.
That would have been enough for me to hand over my daughter. Okay, okay, not quite. He still had to be rich.
In addition to raising a large family of mostly boys, and dealing with the Down syndrome challenges, Evan and Karen took in their respective widowed parents—his mother and her father. It seems years ago now, and today I just got word of the passing of Karen's father.
Imagine her mixed reaction to that: On the one hand, there must be sense of relief, because there was a 24-7 demand on her plate, shared somewhat by the rest of the family, directly or indirectly; but on the other hand, there will be the expected grief. He was her father, after all.
I am not saying she is the poster girl for what all responsible daughters should do, ie., taking in their aged parent(s), but she is very much a heroine to me on that score. Unlike so many others her age, she is still caring for a family at home, plus the generation before her.
I know of others who have built houses with in-law suites in them, so their ageing parents can live in a measure of independence, as long as health allows. That doesn't have the same demands, but it still is a worthy choice.
I don't think stuffing her old people into a care home was ever an option for Karen. Granted, there are extenuating circumstances may warrant this at times, but it seems best to end one's life in a home setting—whether old or dying.
We can be told what to do for some things, or even read about them in a book (or a column like this!), but the best instructional manual is called living reality, that is, seeing it modelled in real life. I have felt that way about rearing kids, romance, marriage, and now caring for the elderly. Karen has been very much a living reality for me on that score.
Is there a place for an old folks' home? I suppose. When the care is too much to bear for the other spouse, or the responsible son or daughter, that's a viable option. But the optimum care home is, well, home where there's care. There could be creative ways to carry it out, with daily respite visits, house calls by medical professionals, even shared duties by other family members.
I see a win-win-win here. There is the economic win (Maurice, that would mean it is lower costs for everyone, especially the government). Then there is the emotional win, meaning a diminished sense of alienation on the one hand, and a greater sense of bonding on the other. Finally, there is the familial win, meaning the grandchildren learn to help the helpless and get to know & love their grandparents to the end of life.
The ideal would be to allow ageing parents to enjoy a quality of life in a home setting for as long as possible and reasonable. Would there be pitfalls or difficulties? Indeed. It's called life, and life is full of pitfalls and difficulties, so get used to it. One must weigh up the pros and cons of both options. I suggest there are more pros with longer home stays.
As I write, Evan and Karen have not buried her father. By the time you read this, they will have. But it's not like she will be on “easy street” finally. Remember her family configuration? She will now simply have more time to serve others.
Methinks she wouldn't want it any other way. It strikes me that her parents raised her well.
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