Help! First Aid!

I think I would have made a great EMT, at least until the first phone call came in. That would then be my cue to quit, or at least go on strike. Blood and I do not do well. In case you haven't guessed, I do not watch ER, and I have never rented The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

The above serves as a backdrop for my successful completion of a St. John Ambulance First Aid course (Emergency Level, A) the other day. Why I took it, I cannot say. Oh, actually I can: I was told to by the powers-that-be. It also makes sense. When you are around as many kids as I am, both at work and at home, it make sense to know which way to fall when you faint. I even have the opening line memorized: "Hi, I am trained in First Aid. Do you know how to call 9-1-1 – for me?"

We had a combination of DVD and real life practice, plus the usual book work. I did the book work really well; most books aren't too gory. The DVD probably had some lame acting. I can't say that for sure: Everytime the gore started to pour, I took a coffee break. I've never had so much coffee in my life. By the end of the day, I needed my own CPR – Coffee Pot Restriction. I know they probably used ketchup to simulate the blood, but it sure looked real to me. Needless to say, I had a tough time drinking my tomato soup at lunch. It made me feel like a wannabe vampire.

The practice time with the dummies was a bit of a stretch, too. When the instructor told us to place the dummies on the floor, I misunderstood and lay down immediately. Strangely enough, no one wanted to do mouth-to-mouth with me. It was probably the fact that my cherry-red lipstick was running.

I just hate gore. (Well, I don't really hate Gore, I just think he is horribly misguided, and probably needs his mouth bandaged up. But I digress.) It's one think to butcher cows and pigs and chickens, and I have done lots of all of them. But gore, guts, and gashes in humans seems different.

We have been designed (I think I can say that still in Canada) to bleed and breathe. In fact, we are bleeding, breathing mechanisms, and any significant change in how that happens becomes an emergency. How we respond to that is literally a matter of life or death. That's why the other day's workshop should be mandatory for every employer, every farmer, and every person who spends time around people.

I still find it miraculous how the body functions on an involuntary basis, day in and day out. Actually, it's second in, second out. Like most normal operations in life, we don't really appreciate what it does until it doesn't function – just like power, water, food, and money. Being prepared for an emergency in any of these spheres is not negativism; rather, it is pro-activism.

I am grateful for organizations like St. John's Ambulance and the Red Cross. They are present at every game and event (their words) where the public gathers. I would think that a fight in the stands or on the ice would likely be out of their jurisdiction, but at anything in between you would find them bandaging, attending, and soothing.

But it's not everyone's call. First call to the stands to tend a casualty would be my cue to grab a burger and fries. And I would probably ask them to hold the ketchup.