Oh, Canada

 

One of my favourite Beach Boys songs has most a intriguing line in it. It goes something like this: "People had fun, fun fun, till their parents took their t-bird away." You do recognize it, don't you? And though I am not a huge Stevie Wonder fan, his "Someone just called to leave someone else a message of affection" has almost always moved me to tears every time I hear it.

I don't know why you are reading this with that puzzled look. After all, if Ottawa wants to play around with the words to "O Canada," then maybe we all should modify a line or two in one of our favourite songs. You are aware, aren't you, that the gender-neutral hacks in Ottawa want to tweak our national anthem? The PC PC PC's (poorly connected politically correct Progressive Conservatives) have embarked on a moronic journey of revisionism.

So, what's next – re-working doo wop, rock and roll, and barbershop songs?

In case you have been in Arizona or wishing you were in Arizona for the past week or so, you should be aware that someone in the PMO (a cool abbreviation for the Prime Minister's Office) has proposed to alter an offending line in our national anthem. The offensive line is "in all thy sons command." If you know any history about the song, you would know that there have been various changes over the past 100 years, but methinks this goes too far.

When my trusty www.CBC.ca window informed me of this move, I had three thoughts: a. I didn't know it was April Fool's Day; b. since when are the NDP and the Liberals running this country?; and c. if there was an apparent offensive line, at least to secularists everywhere, it should be "God keep our land."

But "in all thy sons command"? Surely they're kidding. Is there something evil about the word "thy"? Or is it "command"? No, people, it's "sons." So someone with far too much time on their hands, like other bureaucrats in Edmonton, has decided to suggest (so far) that a more gender-neutral line in our anthem would be appropriate for these times.

Maybe I missed something, but the timing couldn't be worse. Just as the Conservatives finally get back to Parliament Hill, just as they present their latest budget, and just when they show that they are still the most popular federal party in Canada, they pull off this gaffe. I'm a big Harper fan (how'd you guess?), but this makes me a little antsy.

And talk about irony. There were probably twenty-six million people singing that evil line a couple of Sundays ago, when Canada smacked the Americans in men's hockey. Perhaps it had been in the works for a while, but at least the nameless drone had enough tact to wait until the last Olympic medal was handed out - and for that matter, the last rendition of "O Canada" was sung.

In a few months, close to Canada Day, I plan to submit the second stanza of "O Canada" - and others, if I can get my hands on them. You'd think they came right out of a circuit-riding camp meeting – and you know, maybe they did. I don't think our great nation had the Christian foundation that our friends to the south had, but we must have had some reverence somewhere in our past.

But I digress - so back to the corrupting line in "O Canada." It looks like we have thrown reason and logic out of the cubicle. You wonder what was in that water cooler on the thirteenth floor. Let's take it further: If I post a sign that says, "Funston and Sons," I should really do my moose-and beaver duty and re-name it, "Funston and Offspring." I can no longer use the expression "son of a gun"; I guess "person of a gun" would be the more Canadian way. Does that mean someone Johnson would have to become Johnperson? Just wondering.

Got to go. It sounds like they're playing one of my favourite Roy Orbison songs: "One of us has a partner as assertive as she can be."