A friend of mine recently lost his tooth. Well, actually he didn't lose it (though it was loose): He only misplaced it...inside his mouth. One swallow too many, people, and we're talking a new definition for over-bite.
Fortunately for my friend, those dressed to drill, also known as dentists, were able to retrieve the errant enamel, plunked it back into its proper place, and now everyone can eat happily ever after.
As I heard this story, I did the usual inner-mouth rolling tongue routine, in case my many molars may have moved. I missed one spot, inadvertently stuck my tongue out, and offended the lady next to me. (Sorry, just a normal tongue-in-cheek check, chick.)
What would I do without my teeth? I heard one guy accidentally put his wife's false teeth in when he woke up. He hasn't stopped talking since. Okay, okay, hold your suspenders, humans, I am just kidding. But it did get me thinking about a life without (better: a mouth without) teeth.
No teeth? No eating pleasure. It's hard to imagine wolfing down the best meal on earth (that would be a Hawaiian pizza, people) without teeth. What's so pleasurable with sucking on ham and pineapple? Is there any joy in sucking and slurping?
No teeth? It would be hard to pucker up. In fact, one would look perpetually puckered out. (Oops, I think I meant tuckered out.) In fact, it would be really hard to do anything assertive, romantic, or even normal when your lips are flapping every which way.
No teeth? No beauty. You may argue that a baby has lots of beauty, but no teeth, and I would agree. So let me tweak my argument: Once the mouth (which includes every imaginable expression) has been formed around teeth, it is a step backwards to see the same face, sans teeth.
I suppose I could find some solace in sitting down and watching a movie about an ageing great white shark. They could call it, "Gums." Or, maybe get the gang together and play "Tooth and Consequences."
Even false teeth don't do justice to a face that once had true (?) teeth. No matter how hard any denturist tries, he can't replicate the natural look of a face that once possessed its own ivories. But I will admit that false teeth are still better than no teeth at all.
Let me play devil's advocate for moment here: Think of the advantages there are without teeth. Let me count the ways: 1. No time wasted brushing, flossing, or gurgling every morning and evening. 2. No leftovers stuck between teeth No. 7 and No. 8, with pieces of fish and lettuce and nuts clinging to one's grin like they were a picnic for the trip home. 3. No cavities. And with that point, no hot or cold sensations when one is enjoying a hot or cold one—or at least were supposed to. 4. No root canals, crowns, or plugs (whatever that is: just heard that term last week).
But even bigger than my mouth (if that's possible), there is the whole dentist industry that would be at stake—if we all lost our teeth. How could students miss hours of classes for that one fifteen minute appointment, if we didn't take care of our teeth? And what about the chaos (sorry, I meant "routine") at night over brushing, flossing, and gurgling? What would Mom and kids do with all that extra time? Finally, how would we know when we are over the hill? True teeth out and false teeth in is a sign of maturity--a coming of agedness, if you will.
So I am writing out of both sides of my mouth (with teeth intact, no less). I am arguing for teeth in and teeth out. But I don't think this double-minded argument would stand up in court. Do you know why?
Because they would want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
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