Foremost on my Mind: Spit and Run

 

It's hard to believe that they we're still watching hockey these days. Okay, not all hockey fans have their favourite team playing: Twelve teams have already bowed out in Round One or Two, while others (Calgary Flames, for example) never even made it into the play-offs. Again. Just thought some of you wanted to be reminded of that fact...

As rarely as I watch a hockey game at any time—not having a television will do that every time—I come away both depressed and impressed with what I see...on the ice and on the bench.

Let's deal with the depressing stuff first, and I'll present it in the shape of questions.

One, why do they always have to spit? Spitting on the ice is bad enough; I'm sure the ice itself can absorb the gob, but do they have to spit at the bench? On the boards? What happens if they miss? And do they do it only when the television camera is panning the bench? I haven't sat on a hockey bench for a while, close to 57 years, to be exact, so I don't know all the physics that goes in the science of boogerology.

Maybe a spittoon would be in order, possibly at each end of the bench. What could you call that, having gobs of fun? Drooling with excitement?

Two, why the wimpy beards during the play-offs? You see, there are non-hockey beards and there are hockey beards. Some of the guys can actually grow their fuzz well; others, it's just...oh, well. Beards can get heavy and thick and cumbersome, something they should think about before pulling off their Paul Bunyan imitation. And then if they spit and miss, does it dribble down their beard?

(As an aside, if they can grow a decent beard, okay; but if they can't, shave the stupid thing and stop looking like a thirteen-year-old.)

Now the impressing stuff, using the same witty question format that I've wowed you with already:

One, why do they wait till the big dance (cool name for the Stanley Cup Play-offs) to play such splendid hockey? It's refreshing to see the goonery left in regular games (unless you're Ben Eager), and the slickery upped in the play-offs. If they played that way all year, they might win over more fans in such hockey hotbeds as Atlanta and Phoenix.

Two, are hockey players more articulate than all other athletes—or is it that the other athletes are just that bad? I thought so, too. I find the football and basketball players the worst (and in other categories too.). However, I find listening to hockey players a treat to listen to--usually. They talk like they're your next door neighbour.

But back to hockey, at least for you Bruins, Lightning, Sharks, and Canucks fans. No matter who pulls out of the respective conference finals (methinks we're looking at a Tampa Bay-Vancouver finale), this is the level where hockey is pure joy. This is the Canadian game at its best.

To make the best better (I don't think that's even grammatically correct, is it Mabel?), I would add a couple of penalties: Two minutes for spitting and two minutes for unsportsmanlike conduct, trying to grow a beard, an unkempt one at that.

And please, leave the dribbling to basketball.