My wife left me the other day, taking our three youngest with her. Last time I checked, she was heading for her folks' home in Terrace, BC.
It's ironic, then, that this is happening, considering tomorrow is our 32nd anniversary.
Years ago, when I was younger (naturally: couldn't have been older, Maurice), I'm sure I was quick to opine about home matters--you know, marriage, child-rearing, running a household, finances, etc. Now, having experienced years of said major lifestyle issues, I feel I have little to say.
You might say I have gone from “you need to know this” to simply “I don't know anymore”--even though I probably do. Somewhere in between, there's a balance.
Now that doesn't mean that I actually don't know. It just means I'm more caught up with practice than theory now-- more doing rather than talking, you might say. It means that some things I thought were supposed to work haven't quite measured up, whereas others have succeeded beyond my wildest imagination.
So, just in case you were looking for some family advice, and in a weak moment I felt motivated to give it, I will suggest a few things that would make any home better. Again, just suggestions, friends.
One, create the freedom to laugh out loud more. Laughing with someone is not the same as laughing at someone, of course. However, we should be able to laugh at ourselves more, and not take each other so seriously. More family games, more family movie watching, more outings--just simply hanging out. Family life is a serious business, for sure, so we need to lighten up more—or at least have the liberty to do so.
Two, create the freedom to think out loud more. To opine is to express an opinion. If you express your opinion on everything, that is opinionism, something quite different from what I am talking about. You should feel the freedom to express your inwards thoughts on outward topics. Robust discussions, even occasional disagreements, are healthy. There are “rules” for how to disagree, and every marriage counsellor (before and during the marriage) should spell them out.
Three, create the freedom to cry out loud more. You may know who you can laugh with, but who do you cry with? Many couples carry a lot of pain for any number of disappointments and hurts, but they fail to express it adequately. Grief or sadness unchecked can lead to outbursts at the wrong time or in the wrong way (read: violence), or the tragic development of very bad habits (read: drinking, drugs, illicit relationships).
The list is longer, for sure, but this is more of a start of a conversation, rather than the conversation itself.
Whether it's regarding marriage or family, one doesn't really know what one is getting into until he or she is in it. Marriage counselling (and I've done my share) can only give the couple a heads up. But they have to be immersed in the crucible of experience to implement family principles.
You have read my rant here before about Hollywood's version of marriage. A steady diet of Hollywood's tripe, its take on marriage and family, is surefire way to destroy (not merely harm) any marriage or family.
Firstly, the hunks and babes of Beverly Hills exhibit an approach to marriage that doesn't exist. Second- ly, they're reading lines; they're not even speaking their own words, based on their own experiences. And thirdly, they all live in a world that doesn't exist, showcasing marriages and family life that rarely last.
I remain convinced that the best models for marriage and family life are right here in the towns across Alberta. I take breathless inspiration from the examples of those good prairie folks who have hung in there for thirty, forty, even fifty years. And as parents, they weren't perfect, but they did what they thought was right.
Just like my wife and me. I told you that she left me to head back to her parents' place. Oops, did you think she left me for good? Silly me: Her folks are downsizing, so she has popped over there for a few weeks to help them (along with her four sisters) work through all the tedious adjustments. She'll be back in a week or so.
Here's to the next thirty-two years.
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