It's only a few weeks before we "celebrate" Father's Day. I may to be jumping the gun by coming up with a dad-themed column. It's actually part of this mini-series of "Confessions."
So far, I have made some admissions about being a writer, teacher, saint, and now father. I have a couple more up my sleeve, but we'll see if I write them.
Most dads I know feel very inadequate for fatherhood. Most of us are quick—likely too quick—to admit our shortcomings and failures (and too often "helped" by others to feel that way). The strident voices of the warped media, academia, and feminists don't help.
As if fathering isn't tough enough, I find it tragic beyond civil words that we get stomped on because of our skin colour and gender (with "white male" becoming such a vile standing in life). If the skin colour was reversed, there would be no end of the hue and cry.
My comments today are directed primarily at dads, but moms and potential dads can read along if they want to.
I know that I have failed multiple times as a father—and that would be only before breakfast. Some of my kids would likely tell you that in a heartbeat, if asked. Owing to the fact that I pass through this journey once, it's impossible to back up and do it again. One just hopes that as the kids grow up and mature, there's room in their heart and conscience to forgive and move on.
Sort of like me with my dad.
Now I am not speaking of physical, sexual, or mental abuse, nor am I sugarcoating it in other homes. That must be dealt with thoroughly, either through accountability groups, the law, and even the church. I just don't believe I have ever been guilty of those evils.
My failure as a dad has been of the short temper, the non-listening, and the general disconnection variety. Perhaps you are guilty of the same? As an example, my own dad was guilty of that, though he had other complicating factors, as he was a product of his generation. They did things differently back in the '40s and '50s.
I know I mentioned this line before, but it bears repeating: Any one can be a "verb" father, but it takes some serious effort at being a "noun" father. Re-stated: males are created to father a child, but it takes a lot more work to be a father to a child.
If I could do it over again, which is impossible, I would do some things differently. Here are four to consider:
1. Create more meaningful family time. I did a lot of that, via trips, traditions, and special nights, but I see now that it wasn't enough. And part of that "meaningful family time" is to block out many outside-the-home demands. Some of us Type A personalities often take on more and more responsibilities outside the home at the expense of family. Not a wise move at all.
2. Take time to listen more and speak less. That could be one reason why our Designer gave us two ears and one mouth, not the other way around. I know I would have benefited from that as I was growing up. That's not a shot at my own father, by the way. As I said before, he was the product of his generation. And he didn't have the privilege of reading a county-famous columnist...
3. Get to know each of your kids individually. That sounds bizarre on the surface, but I am not writing this one on the surface. Each child you help bring into the world is an individual, and must be treated as such. This takes time and effort on your part, but it is part of your duty.
4. Let them know you love them. That could be expressed in all sorts of ways, but really needs to be done and said. Even a simple touch once in a while works wonders.
It strikes me that if more dads had more meaningful family time, listened more often to their children, got to know their kids better, as well as showed love, there would be a marked change in our crime rate, street safety, and we would be a better nation overall, no doubt about it. We would see a nation of happier, more well-adjusted, and productive children.
And in advance of this next Big Day, may every day be a "father's" day for you.
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