Ye Old Tennis Ball

 

It was such a fantastic idea that I thought an over-the-top, brilliant teacher (like me) came up with the idea. Well, that's nearly true: It was a teacher, and he is quite bright, but he wasn't me.

The "it" in the first paragraph (Horace, it's actually the very first word) refers to the multi-applications of a used tennis ball. The "he" in the first paragraph - we'll call him Robert - used old tennis balls as feet for chairs, thereby disallowing any possible scraping and gouging of the floor. The idea has grown now to where the "tennis ball feet" – did I just invent a new term? – sit at the bottom of tables, desks, and anything else with legs.

Well, not any legs: I still wear the conventional footwear for now. But tennis balls with shoelaces and soft heels? I'm in.

Then, reading one of my favourite magazines, World (a conservative, balanced version of Time), I discovered a few more applications of ye old tennis ball. While the following few are not my ideas, one may certainly entertain sweet thoughts of me while doing any of the following:

1. Pulling broken light bulbs out of their sockets. I'm not sure how many types of pliers I have used to wrench the last vestige of a reluctant light bulb from its hiding place. The same can be said for various words I've used to describe the light bulb, and the various body angles I have worked at. Sigh...I'm going to miss those days of glaring at half a light, while balancing precariously on a stool, singing "You Light Up My Life."

2. Serving as door stoppers. I didn't get all the details on this one, but I assume the tennis ball has something in it to create – what do they call it? - ballast. If not, you have two problems: a door knob that chips the wall and a ball rolling around where it doesn't belong. A few rocks or marbles will give it some stability and save your wall at the same time. Suggestion: Why not put the tennis ball over the door knob instead?

3. Removing scuffs from wooden floors. I think the word "wood" can be replaced with the word "vinyl" - and even if it can't, try it anyway. A hard, non-carpet surface is the point here. Again, no mention is made of any fluid, so I assume that it can do the job all by itself. If one set of streaks end up being replaced with another set, at least it would make for good conversation starter. (So, tell me again how you played tennis in your kitchen. I 've heard of serving people, but this is ridiculous.)

4. Doubling as jar openers. Certainly beats the old wet-cloth routine, with lots of screaming for the sound track, to boot. It was always a proud moment in my teens when I could do that job for my mom, especially when none of my older brothers could do it. A little tip is in order here: Make sure the jar lid is smaller than the tennis ball surface. If not, try a tired volleyball.

5. Acting as coin holders. There's an assumption that one has a lot of coins around the house or car. It goes without saying that it would be a sliced tennis ball (not necessarily in half, of course) that would work best. But then again, one could have a slice at the top to put the money in, and some sort of covering on the side or bottom to extract the coins. Boy, a pant pocket sounds so much easier.

Space prohibits any further intelligent (?) discussion of tennis ball uses for a) a fake clown nose (hello, Patch Adams), or b) a plant holder (a very small plant, of course), or c) a mug (sans handle). I'm sure you could come up with a few of your own.

And you don't even have to be an over-the-top, brilliant teacher to do it.